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Okay For Babies To Be Born Drunk, Say Docs

NEW evidence suggests it is safe for a baby to be born drunk, doctors said last night.

Latest National Mood To Be Unveiled

SOME of the biggest names in Britain will gather in central London today for the unveiling of the new national mood.

British Public In Depressingly Incoherent Outburst

PUBLIC outrage at the treatment of Andrew Sachs boiled over last night as Britain reached a new peak of furious incoherence.

Ross And Brand Are Heroes, Say Spanish

THE Madrid government last night sprang to the defence of Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross hailing them as the new heroes of anti-Spanish racism.

Artificial Heart Patients Will Have No Soul, Admit Docs

PATIENTS who are given artificial hearts will lose their soul, doctors admitted last night.

BBC Unveils Lavish Adaptation Of The Taunting Of Andrew Sachs

THE BBC last night re-established its reputation for quality programming as it unveiled a lavish multi-million pound drama based on the taunting of Andrew Sachs.

Men Incredibly Easy To Predict, Say Experts

MEN'S reactions to anything involving women are astonishingly easy to predict, new research suggests.

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

While the details about your last romantic encounter might be fuzzy, the warm sensations of being adored are still present. Would you like a tissue?