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No-One Entirely Sure What Speaker Said
HOUSE of Commons Speaker Michael Martin made a statement on the arrest of Tory MP Damien Green yesterday, but no-one is entirely sure what he said.
Benefit Cheats Very Good At Lying, Warn Experts
BENEFIT cheats are accomplished liars who would relish the challenge of a polygraph test, experts warned last night.
Nationalised Banks To Pay Government Fines With Taxpayers' Money
BANKS controlled by the public which do not lend the public money will have to pay a fine using public money.
Government To Bail Out Pathetic Lapland Theme Park
PETER Mandelson has added the pathetic Lapland theme park to his list of businesses that must be saved.
Israel And Palestine Sign Peace Deal To Prevent Clinton Visit
ISRAEL and Palestine last night signed a hastily arranged peace deal in a desperate bid to prevent a visit from Hillary Clinton.
Free Sex Marginally Better Than Pizza Hut
HAVING free sex with your wife is now slightly better value than Pizza Hut, according to a new survey.
My Big Gap Year
Dispatches from Poppy Spalding
MONDAY: BANGKOK
LAST week, I had meant to go to Cambodia to further my investigations into Gary Glitter, but reconsidered after reading on My Space that DJ Rico was playing practically a stone’s throw from my hostel in Hanoi this weekend: Saturday night at the Lotus in Bangkok. Coincidence? I think not.
Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your keen awareness of the needs of those around you comes in handy today. As does a bumper pack of tissues and a giant electric eel.