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Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The confluence of Mars and Jupiter suggests you are thinking about recording your own version of Hallelujah. Don't.
Try Not To Vomit On Each Other, Say Docs
OFFICE workers can halt the spread of the winter vomiting virus by not vomiting on each other, doctors said last night.
Everything Now A Huge Lie
EVERYTHING you have ever been told is a colossal lie and the global economy is a $100 trillion fraud, it was confirmed last night.
Barclay Brothers To Move Private Island To Maldives
THE billionaire Barclay twins are to move their private island from the Channel Islands to the Maldives due to a combination of being in a huff and tax reasons.
Britain Chooses Newest Retail Park Opener
ALEXANDRA Burke will this morning begin a glamorous new life of cover versions, Heat magazine stories about her fat eyelids and being offered £250 to open the Macclesfield Glen retail and leisure park.
Iraq Had Shoes All Along, Claims Vindicated Bush
PRESIDENT Bush last night claimed his decision to invade Iraq had been vindicated after US troops uncovered an arsenal of shoes on the outskirts of Fallujah.
UK To Boycott All German Goods, Except Cars, Beer, Kitchen Appliances, Adidas And Kinder Surprise
UK consumers last night pledged to buy British, unless there was an obviously superior German alternative.