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Prince Philip Alters Will
PRINCE PHILIP has changed his will in order to bequeath his extensive collection of racist paraphernalia to his favourite grandson.
Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Jupiter has moved into a more benevolent position, restoring circulation to your left leg and increasing that pleasurable sensation in your lower parts.
My Big Gap Year
Dispatches from Poppy Spalding
FRIDAY: BANGKOK
THIS week finds me in Bangkok international airport, en route for Japan. My parents have forced me to abandon my beach hut in Phuket and go somewhere they can keep tabs on me. Once again, they’ve totally overreacted to some minor thing and say I must ring in the New Year with my Dad’s ex colleague, Mr Willets, and his Japanese wife. They say I’m putting my health at risk by beach hut living- even though I was learning important lessons about Christmas.
Councils To Position Skip Full Of Shit Outside Your House
COUNCILS across Britain are to save millions of pounds by placing a massive skip full of rotting chicken carcases and used incontinence pants at your front door.
Wind Turbine Damage 'May Not Have Been Aliens'
DAMAGE to a Lincolnshire wind farm turbine may not have been caused by aliens, experts claimed last night.
For Shame, Our Rates Of Interest Can Surely Plunge No Lower, Proclaims Mr Pepys
London, 1694: MR Samuel Pepys, the noted sage and diarist, has proclaimed the nation to be in peril after the rates of pecuniary interest reached the abominable level of two in every hundred.
Treasury Has Been Able To Print Tenners All Along
CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has admitted the economic downturn was completely unnecessary as all this time he could just have printed more tenners.