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Michael Sheen To Play Red Rum

TONY Blair actor Michael Sheen is to extend his repertoire of real-life characters by playing Red Rum in a BBC mini-series.


Under 15s 'Should Not Be Allowed To Fly Planes'

CHILDREN under the age of 15 should never be allowed to fly a passenger jet, not even for five minutes, according to the chief medical officer.

Grandparents Advised To Gay It Up A Bit

ELDERLY couples who are hoping to adopt their grandchildren are being advised to gay it up a bit.

 

What Is Your Fucking Problem? Britain Asks IMF

THE government has written to the International Monetary Fund to ask it what its fucking problem is.


Cabinet Minutes To Reveal Pre-War Blood Sacrifice

MINUTES from Cabinet meetings in the run up to the Iraq war are expected to reveal how key decisions were made during a blood-soaked voodoo ritual.

Firm offers 'twats-only' activity holidays

A BRITISH travel firm is believed to be the first in the world to offer activity holidays guaranteed to be filled with twats.  

Your Astrological Week Ahead

WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A stare lingers too long, someone goes out of their way to walk by your desk, a red dot travels up your body to the centre of your forehead and then suddenly everything goes dark.

I Warned Of Crisis Ten Years Ago Then Did Absolutely Nothing About It, Says Brown

GORDON Brown yesterday said he warned of the financial crisis 10 years ago but did nothing to stop it because, quite frankly, he wants us all dead.