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Ryanair Planes To Smell Strongly Of Urine And Faeces
BUDGET airline Ryanair is to introduce the overwhelming stench of bodily waste to its 145 routes across Europe.
Tea Lady Makes Villa Debut
ASTON Villa boss Martin O'Neill last night defended fielding a 69 year-old tea lady in central defence after his side were dumped out of the Uefa cup.
Scientists Uncover Earliest Threesome
SCIENTISTS have uncovered the earliest evidence of pre-historic man's attempts to persuade two women to join him in a threesome.
Brown Refuses To Hand Back Pension
GORDON Brown last night dismissed calls to surrender his £123,000 a year pension when he is forced to stop being prime minister next June.
Aha Ha Ha Ha Ha, Says Goodwin
AHA ha ha ha ha ha ha, aha ha ha, aha ha ha ha ha, former Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive Sir Fred Goodwin said last night.
NHS To Use Staples For Everything
THE National Health Service is to start using staples for everything, doctors confirmed last night.
Music To Stay Exactly The Same Forever
POPULAR music is to remain precisely as it is for ever and ever after Oasis were named best band at last night's NME awards.
Facebook Gives You Short Attention Span, Says... Ooh What's That?
SOCIAL networking sites like Facebook and Bebo are infantalising the human brain and encouraging instant gratification, short attention spans and ooh, look, a funny cat picture.