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One Woman's Week: Reinventing The Train
By Karen Fenessey
I THINK this recession thing is really going to people's heads. I've been keenly following Paxman's wonderful series on the Victorians, and I can reliably inform you that they didn't have nervous breakdowns just because it was taking longer than expected to sell their flats.
Time To Abandon Britain As Greggs Becomes Too Expensive
BRITAIN is 'well and truly, Geordie-lass-on-her-hen-night fucked' if people can no longer afford to eat at Greggs, financial analysts warned last night.
Press Stole My Dignity, Not Gang Of Whores Thrashing My Bare Arse, Claims Mosley
MOTORSPORT boss Max Mosley has accused the press of stealing his dignity rather than the gang of whores he paid to thrash his quivering buttocks with a riding crop.
Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A full Moon next to Saturn signals a climactic point for one pet project. But remember, in the eyes of the law, as an animal can't speak, it can't give its consent.
Fears Grow That Red Riding May Have Been Shit
FEARS were growing last night that the landmark television series Red Riding may have been a lot of shit.
Chimpanzee Displays Human Trait Of Not Liking Prison
A CHIMPANZEE in a Swedish zoo has displayed the distinctly human characteristic of not enjoying being locked up against his will.
Public Urges Ross And Morgan To Fight To The Death
THE vicious feud between Piers Morgan and Jonathan Ross could be settled by a very straightforward fight to the death, it was claimed last night.
‘My Son Pushed His Willy Between His Legs And Pretended To Be A Girl’
AUTHOR Julie Myerson last night stepped up her attack on estranged son Jake by revealing how he used to dance around naked with his penis between his thighs pretending to be Bonnie Langford.