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Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Neptune in Pisces gives you waves of love for your partner, that cheap bit of trash you knock off at weekends, and the temp in accounts with the squint and the dirty laugh.
Put A Bible Over Your Penis, Says Pope
POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.
Stafford Hospital Still Better Than Homeopathy
AN NHS hospital which used untrained receptionists to treat patients still performed better than homeopathy, research shows.
Brown Apologises For Not Being Even More Intelligent
GORDON Brown today apologised for not being even more intelligent than he so obviously is.
Match Of The Day Goes To Its Dark Place
MATCH of the Day has gone to its dark place and has urged viewers not to follow.
North Korean Pizza Toppings To Include Cardboard And Old Teeth
NORTH Korea is to open a national chain of pizza restauarants offering a range of delicious toppings including cardboard, rusty paper clips and old men's teeth.
Britain Delighted As Financial Crisis Keeps Cherie Blair In A Job
UNEMPLOYED people across Britain were celebrating today as the financial crisis which has wrecked their dreams gave Cherie Blair the chance to earn some enormous legal fees.
It Ended 4-1, Man Utd Tells Fans
MANCHESTER United used text messages to inform fleeing supporters of Saturday's defeat by Liverpool as thousands left Old Trafford early and caught the train back to London.