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Police Blunder Reveals Secret Plan To Beat You Senseless
ONE of Britain's most senior police officers has resigned after accidentally revealing a secret plan to beat the hell out of you.
Lah-Di-Dah Public Schoolboys Not So Fancy All Of A Sudden
LAH-DI-DAH ponces who talk all proper are about to find out what life is like in the real world now their fancy school has shut down, it was claimed last night.
Depressed Welsh Patients Prescribed Severn Bridge
DOCTORS in Wales are being urged to treat depression with a strong dose of the Severn Bridge.
Brown Hails 'Budget From The Future'
THIS month's budget will be the first to be beamed into the House of Commons directly from the future, Gordon Brown has revealed.
Jacqui Smith Changes Name To 'Trixie Beaver'
HOME secretary Jacqui Smith has changed her name to 'Trixie Beaver', it was confirmed last night.
Ferguson Reveals Ending To 'The Wire'
SIR Alex Ferguson last night continued his policy of ruining the ends of things by revealing the conclusion to hit US drama series The Wire.
North Korea Named New Big Scary Thing
NORTH Korea has been designated as the new big thing designed to scare the holy living shit out of you, the United Nations has confirmed.
Primary Schools To Admit Chickens
EDUCATION secretary Ed Balls has called on primary schools to allocate places to baby chickens in a bid to improve results.