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Ofcom Launches Nipple Probe
OFCOM, the broadcasting watchdog, is to launch a full-scale inquiry into televised nipples, it emerged last night.
Official: Your Life Is Worthless
YOUR identity, your achievements and everything that is you is now worth less than a bag of funsize Mars Bars, according to a new report.
Police To Target The Hippies With Video Cameras
POLICE officers on crowd control duty have been ordered to give priority beatings to anyone holding a video camera.
All Adverts Must Be Filled With Lies, Says Watchdog
ALL advertising must be filled with blatant, insulting lies from start to finish, the industry watchdog has ruled.
Teachers Can Get 10% Pay Rise When Children Are 10% Less Stupid And Awful, Says Everyone
TEACHERS should be entitled to a 10% pay rise when the children they teach become 10% less moronic and unbearable, according to a new survey.
Macheda Could Be 'First Class, Money-Grabbing Arsehole'
FEDERICO Macheda has the potential to become one of the greediest tosspots in the Premier League, his agent said last night.
The Recession Has Gonorrhea, Claims Downing Street
THE recession has a sexually transmitted disease that it has been covering up for years, Downing Street sources have claimed.
Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Venus brings back some old faeces from the past, but luckily Saturn has the number of a cheap and reliable 24 hour plumber.