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Who Will Be The First Arsehole To Wear A Facemask?
AS the number of confirmed pork flu cases in the UK soared into single figures, millions of people across Britain were last night wondering who would be the first arsehole to start wearing a facemask.
Government To Monitor One Trillion Cock Pill Emails
THE government has outlined plans to monitor all of Britain's email traffic, covering everything from penis enlargement to Lindsey Lohan straddling a Labrador.
Two Scottish People Feeling A Bit Run Down
THE government has raised its virus alert level to 'pantastic' after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.
Flintoff To Miss Ashes Hiding
INJURY-hit Andrew Flintoff has confirmed he is unlikely to recover in time for an absolute humping by Australia this summer.
Don't Panic But You Are Going To Die
PEOPLE across the world have been urged not to panic as experts warned that most of you would be dead by the end of this sentence.
Ipswich To Keep Large Net Handy
IPSWICH Town yesterday unveiled Roy Keane as their new manager but stressed they would be keeping a large butterfly net to hand, just in case.
Recession To Be Susan Boyle-Shaped
THE recession is likely to be the shape of quirky Scottish songstress Susan Boyle lying on her back, experts said last night.
Artificial Intelligence Now Equal To Premier League Footballer
SCIENTIST working on simulated brains have developed a model which shows the primitive insight and deductive reasoning of a Rio Ferdinand, it was claimed last night.