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Stop Keeping Score, Burnham Tells Premier League
PREMIER League clubs should stop keeping score so that everyone can just enjoy a nice game of football, the culture secretary Andy Burnham said today.
Bono To Create Black Hole Of Awfulness
NATO was on full alert last night after pop-shouter Bono threatened to read a 14-minute poem about Elvis on Radio Four.
Git Named
THIS year's Git has been confirmed as 34 year-old Ben Southall from Hampshire.
Government's 'Banned List' Makes Everything All Better
THE government's decision to ban some foreign people with unpleasant views has made everyone incredibly nice, it was confirmed today.
My Big Gap Year: Arabian Tights
Dispatches from Poppy Spalding
Tuesday: Dubai
DUBAI, Dubai - so good they named it twice. I've never seen so much money crammed into one space - even the eye spaces in the ladies' veils are filled in with diamonds. It's the sort of place where everyone's dreams really can come true - as long as your dream isn't to have a noisy shag on a beach.
Brown To Regain Initiative By Admitting Schools Are Rubbish
GORDON Brown is hoping to regain the political initiative today by confirming that Britain's schools are so much worse than they used to be.
Vauxhalls Not Quite Rusty Enough, Says Fiat
ITALIAN car maker Fiat has unveiled plans to take over Vaxuhall, insisting the British-made cars are still not quite rusty and unreliable enough.
A Guide To The People You Don't Care About In Labour's Civil War
AS Gordon Brown fights for his political life the Daily Mash brings you a guide to the key players in the tumultuous battle for the heart and soul of the Labour party. No, we don't really give a shit either.