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One Woman's Week: I-D-I!


By Karen Fenessey


WHAT would you do if your parents knew exactly what your willy or vagina looked like?

Librarians go like the clappers, say experts

QUIET, bespectacled female librarians really do go like a bloody train, it was confirmed last night.

Sorry Brown Gets Buck Naked


THE war of political apologies escalated last night as prime minister Gordon Brown pledged all his clothes to a charity shop and began wandering about in the buff.

Grow A Pair, Men Advised


AS a study showed that 40% men are suffering from recession-based mental illness, a leading psychiatrist has advised them to stop whining like a bunch of three year-old girls.

Pretend Marriage On Made-Up Rocks

THE pretend marriage of Jordan, the pretend novelist, and Peter André, the pretend human, was last night on the completely made-up rocks.

Top Tory Claims For Drawbridge Wax


THE Tories last night proved they have still got it after it was revealed that a senior MP claimed more than £2000 for drawbridge wax and moat freshener.

Darren Fletcher Accepts Actual Rules Of Football

AS his one match European ban was upheld, Darren Fletcher has accepted that the laws of football apply to him.

Pope To See Where It All Didn't Happen

POPE Benedict will today visit the scenes of the made-up stories that form the basis of his crazy, voodoo religion.