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Your Astrological Week Ahead
WITH PSYCHIC BOB
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
There are times when you are so spiritual and ethereal you put the rest of us to shame. But mostly you're just a money-grubbing, sex-obsessed arsehole.
Freak Show Forced To Defend Footage Of Freak
ITV freak show Britain Must Be Stopped last night defended its decision to show footage of an insane, dancing freak.
Labour Chief Whip Defends Pet Cheetah
NICK Brown, the Labour chief whip, has defended his £19,000 food bill, insisting it is not cheap to feed a pet cheetah these days.
Are Britain's 12 Year-Olds Firing Blanks?
A MULTI-MILLION pound campaign is being launched today in a bid to boost the flagging virility of Britain's 12 year-old boys.
1,000 Year Reich Remains On Track, Says Ferguson
SIR Alex Ferguson's plan to reign over English football for one thousand terrible years continues apace as Manchester United won their 18th league title.
Bunch Of Shits Turn On Chief Shit
MICHAEL Martin, the Chief Shit, was clinging to office last night amid a growing revolt by all the other stinking turds.
MPs Call For Ban On Huge, Irresistible Televisions
MPs from all parties last night demanded a ban on the gigantic, irresistible, state of the art television sets at the root of the House of Commons expenses scandal.
Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
Dear Holly,
I am feeling depressed just now as I really hate my job. I've been working there for over 2 years but I've never really enjoyed it, and my colleagues are all back-stabbing arseholes. Recently, I've found myself calling in sick on a regular basis, taking solace in masturbating on the couch to Jeremy Kyle and eating entire multi-packs of crisps before 3pm. The thought of going back to work the next day makes me almost suicidal. I can't bear it any longer! Can you help?