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Empty Trains Much More Efficient, Says Network Rail
THE punctuality of Britain's rail system is directly related to the number of people out of work and not getting the train anymore, it has been confirmed.
Cameron Pledges Power To The Maniacs
TORY leader David Cameron last night pledged to transform British democracy by devolving power to the lowest possible level of maniac.
Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Psychic Bob
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Get some decent photos taken. When you go missing, your family will have to use that one from six years ago where you look like a twat. And no-one's going to stay up all night looking for a twat.
Labour To Back PR For Insultingly Obvious Reasons
LABOUR is to back proportional representation in what they claim will be a major step towards rebuilding their chances of getting back into power before everyone's dead.
Leeds, Doctors Warn Newcastle
DOCTORS last night warned Newcastle United supporters they were now vulnerable to a nasty case of Leeds.
Ministers Hired Accountants Who Don't Know What Capital Gains Tax Is
NINE government ministers used £11,000 of taxpayers' money to scour Britain for the tiny handful of accountants who don't know what capital gains tax is, it emerged last night.
Logic Abuse Rife In Catholic Schools
HUNDREDS of pupils were subjected to a series of depraved attacks on their basic common sense over a 40 year period, the Irish government has confirmed.
Not If You Paid Us, Say Gurkhas
VICTORIOUS Gurkhas last night said they wouldn't live in Britain if you paid them, insisting they really just wanted to prove a point.