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Backpacker To Explain Why He Smells Of Prostitutes
THE 19 year-old British backpacker found after two weeks in the Australian outback will today be asked to explain why he smells so strongly of prostitutes and gin.
Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Psychic Bob
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Jupiter slides slowly backwards through your skies, strumming your pain with his fingers, singing your life with his words, killing you softly with his song, with his words, killing you softly. With his words.
Northern culture honoured with enormous pie
THE North's contribution to British culture is to be recognised with the installation of a 60ft bronze meat pie in Hyde Park.
Arsenal Fans Hold Prayer Vigil For Adebayor Move
ARSENAL fans staged a candlelight vigil at the Emirates stadium last night praying that Manchester City's bid for Emmanuel Adebayor is successful.
Boris Johnson Keeps Gigantic Chicken
MAYOR of London Boris Johnson is the owner of a record-breaking chicken it emerged last night.
Women To Force Hat-Stand Into Anus Of Male Midwife
THE senior male midwife who criticised child-birth painkillers will today have a hat-stand forced into his anus, women have promised.
Test Matches Stupid
TEST match cricket was declared stupid last night after England drew with Australia despite being much, much worse at cricket than them.
Almost Half Promise To Find Out Where Afghanistan Is
MORE people know where Afghanistan is compared to three years ago while thousands more have promised to look it up on Google, according to a new poll.