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French Launch Cowardly Chipmunk Attack
GALLIC chipmunks injected with AIDS and drunk on red wine are pouring through the channel tunnel in what experts believe is exactly the sort of invasion you'd expect from the French.
Road Tax Spent On Moats
MOTORING taxes may have been used to fund non-transport related expenditure such as great big moats, according to a new report.
Huge Increase In People Who Have Totally Got Swine Flu
THE number of people who have totally got that swine flu thing is set to explode over the next few days, it was claimed last night.
Eight Million Children Taken Into Care
NEW NHS guidelines warning that dirty, smelly youngsters may be victims of abuse have led to almost eight million children being taken into care, it emerged last night.
Kate Middleton 'Related To Monkeys'
PRINCE William's consort Kate Middleton is descended from monkeys and still shares 99% of her genetic material with chimps, it has been revealed.
Church Offers Voodoo Water Ceremony To Protect Your Bastards From Satan
IN a bold, modernising step the Church of England is to offer couples a voodoo water ceremony to protect their bastard offspring from the horned one.
Antichrist Is Great, Says Man Who Hasn't Seen It
LARS Von Trier's sexually-explicit horror film Antichrist is brilliant and is being attacked by people who probably haven't even seen it, according to a man who hasn't seen it.
Mercury Winner To Be Given Money To Write A Tune
THE winner of this year's Mercury Music prize will be be given some money to go away and write an actual tune, it has been confirmed.