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Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Psychic Bob
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It's about that ringtone of yours. The one of that terrorist puppet shouting 'I Keell You!' Well, the thing is, unless you delete it immediately, I will 'keell' you. So, you know, something to think about there.
My Big Gap Year: Life Is A Techno-Nazi Cabaret
Dispatches from Poppy Spalding
Wednesday: Berlin
This week, I'm in the place where both clubbers and Nazis come to see where it all started: Berlin! Although, I must say there are basically no Nazis left these days and the locals get really red-faced if you try and ask them about it. Nevertheless, this place is teeming with technoheads!
Killer Robots Nothing To Worry About, Say Army Chiefs
THE army has pledged to keep building massive killer robots with a grudge against humanity, insisting that nothing can possibly go wrong.
Clarkson To Host Arts Programme For Stupid Men
TOP Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson is to host a new BBC fine arts show called That's Bollocks.
Harman's Husband Urged To Shag Her
THE husband of Labour's deputy leader Harriet Harman was last night urged to give her a right good seeing to.
...oh And By The Way, There's Plague In China
THREE people in China have died from the plague, if anyone's interested, the World Health Organisation said last night.
Entire UK Population Fails Citizenship Test
NO-ONE in the UK has passed the government's tough new citizenship test, with 85% of the country claiming that Winston Churchill is an artificial dog.
Charity Believes Everything Teenagers Say
A CHARITY set up to protect teenagers from bullying cannot tell when it is being lied to, it emerged last night.