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British children now 92% ham

MOST British children under the age of 12 now consist mainly of ham, according to a leading health charity.

One Woman's Week: Evolution On The Number 9

"There are many measures I take to keep myself free of disease, including never touching other people in any way and always wiping from front to back..."

Chavez Bans Felicity Kendal

VENEZUELAN President Hugo Chavez has banned all material relating to Felicity Kendal, describing her as 'the ultimate sex totem of the idle bourgeoisie'.

Men Win Right To Watch Women Have A Sweaty Fight

MEN have won the right to watch two women have a sweaty fight as long as one of them gets to listen to her national anthem at the end.

Americans Without Health Insurance Attack Plan To Give Them Health Insurance

FAT, stupid Americans with no health insurance have attacked plans to stop them dying so easily.

Crystal Meth 'probably not a good idea'

FORMER users of the super-speed that can make you chew your legs off have spoken out to say that, on balance, it is probably best avoided.

MPs Still Dicks

MEMBERS of Parliament are still dicks, it emerged last night.

Northern Folk Terrified By Angry Sky Magic

PEOPLE across Northern England fled in panic last night claiming the 'cloud gods were shooting darts of angry fire across the sky'.