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Yorkshire Ripper To Dig For Oil
YORKSHIRE Ripper Peter Sutcliffe has begun digging for oil beneath his Broadmoor cell in the hope of bribing the authorities into letting him go.
New PS3 Will Eat Your Life, Pledges Sony
THE new Sony PS3 games console will suck more of your existence into a vortex of pointlessness than the Nintendo Wii and the X-Box put together, the company promised last night.
Athlete To Be Checked For Balls
CASTER Semenya, the big, strong athlete, will today be checked for a pair of balls.
People Who Snore Are Just Being Shits, Say Docs
A STUDY of habitual snorers has found that they do it just to be a right pain in the arse.
Passengers To Pay Less For Trains That Don't Turn Up
RAIL firms will charge less for non-existent trains in 2010, offering better value for services their customers don't receive.
Drunk people sleeping like babies
DRUNK people sleep so well they are often late for work, experts have claimed.
Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Psychic Bob
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Jupiter continues to make your work life hell by filling your desk drawer with medical waste and rubbing the end of his penis across your phone receiver while you’re using it. Still it is his company so he can do what he wants.
Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
Dear Holly,
I am really worried about my youngest son. He's only 15 but I think him and his friends might be drinking alcohol and smoking wacky cigarettes. He used to be such a darling boy, who took a keen interest in sport, as well as being a popular and active younger member of our church...