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Now Try It With Ice Cubes In Your Mouth, Gaddafi Tells Brown

COLONEL Gaddafi last night told Gordon Brown that it felt really good, but maybe he could try it with a couple of ice cubes in his mouth.

BBC To Be Moyle-Ified

CHILDREN'S radio presenter Chris Molyes is to approve all of the BBC's output, it emerged last night.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My new boyfriend is really sweet and fun and attractive. The problem is that he’s got a tiny penis, and I can't help being slightly repulsed by its meagre dimensions...

Foul-Tempered Robots To Act As Elderly Companions

ROBOTS who dislike foreigners and other people's cats are being sold as companions for the elderly.

Abramovich Forced To Buy Other Types Of Human

CHELSEA owner Roman Abramovich may be forced to buy other types of human being following the club's 18 month transfer ban.

Fat Girls Having Best Day Ever

FAT girls are having the best day ever after a scientist said all the skinny girls were going to die first.

Teenagers 'Did Not Want To Blow-Up School'

TWO pupils at a Manchester school have not been planning to blow it up, a court heard yesterday.