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Skank Gene Isolated

TEENAGE girls who have sex before they are old enough to have a library card are a victim of their DNA, it was claimed last night.

Dinner Ladies To Be Installed In All UK Homes

FOUL-tempered old women with massively thick limbs are to be installed in British homes in a government move to limit food wastage.

Guardian prepares for annual sneerathon

GUARDIAN readers are gathering in North London for the paper’s annual literary sneerathon.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the flames dance shadows across your wide-eyed, cackling face and the sound of sirens grows ever louder, there can be no doubt that branch of Wetherspoons will never short-change you again.

One Woman's Week: Caster And Bollocks

PEOPLE often say to me 'Karen, you've got some balls!' They put the emphasis on the word 'some' meaning that I am a woman to be reckoned with. However, for poor Caster Semenya, the people saying it are doctors and they put the emphasis on the 'balls' part.

90% Of Children Prefer Terrifying Amounts Of Skunk

NINE out 10 children never want to smoke cigarettes, preferring the spiralling high of hydroponically grown skunk, according to a new survey.

Latest Bin Laden Tape Reveals Prog-Rock Direction

OSAMA Bin Laden has swapped his hate-fuelled rhetoric for lengthy progressive rock jams, his new audio tape has revealed.

French Vindicated By Manky Shower Study

AVERAGE life expectancy can be extended by up to 10 years as long as you are willing to reek like a Frenchman, it was claimed last night.