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Afghan Refugees Want To Live In A Country That Complains About Alesha Dixon

AFGHAN refugees camped on the outskirts of Calais were today being urged to explain why they want to come to a country where people complain about the quality of the judges on a celebrity dancing show.

Most Men Wishing They Were A 15 Year-Old Schoolgirl

MILLIONS of British men last night admitted they would give anything to be a 15 year-old pupil at an all-girls private school.

Record Numbers Escape From Newcastle

THE Great North Run enjoyed its most successful year so far yesterday as record numbers of competitors managed to escape from Tyneside.

Clegg To Unveil Series Of Things That Will Never, Ever Happen

LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg will rally his party this week by outlining a series of things that are never, ever going to happen.

Millions Of Couples Given Green Light To Kill Each Other

THE director of public prosecutions will this week unveil new guidelines that will make it easier for couples to plot each other's deaths.

Microsoft Offers Students Cut-Price Infuriating Crap

STUDENTS can have Windows 7 irritate the shit out of them for a reduced fee of £30, Microsoft has announced.

Tiresome Feminist Hippies Target Increasingly Pointless Oaf

AN oaf who makes no difference to anything was last night targeted by some hippies with no boyfriends.

Only way to save Blackpool tourism is to destroy rest of UK, say experts

BLACKPOOL'S  tourism industry can be saved if the rest of the United Kingdom is reduced to charred, smouldering rubble, it was claimed last night.