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Pat And Jess Trade Insults Over Strike Action
BRITAIN'S leading postman and his long-standing colleague last night exchanged vicious insults in an acrimonious split over proposed strike action.
Android X-Factor Finalist Goes On Killing Spree
DANYL Johnson, the android X-Factor contestant, has killed four of his rivals after a dress rehearsal malfunction.
Anti-Cocaine Vaccine 'Wonderfully Moreish'
A NEW vaccine designed to treat cocaine addiction also produces a pleasant, drifty feeling that you could very easily get used to, it emerged last night.
Will We Ever Have Bananas Again, Daddy?
THE prospect of a nice, ripe banana faded rapidly into the distance last night as Britain faced-up to a new age of banana-free austerity.
Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Psychic Bob
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Love is in the air this week as somebody throws a used condom out of a moving car and it lands in your mouth.
We Will Never Judge You, Says Greggs
GREGGS the baker last night assured its customers it would never ever judge them.
Tories to raise mildly racist caravan-owning bastard age
THE Tories have pledged to raise the age at which you suddenly turn into a racist caravan owner who is unable to drive faster than 38mph in a 60mph zone.
My Big Gap Year: Roman Holiday
Dispatches from Poppy Spalding
THIS week finds me in Switzerland, home of chocolatey assault course, Toblerone and, more recently, randy holocaust survivor and film maker, Roman Polanski...