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Arctic To Be Just Lovely

THE Arctic Circle is on course to be really quite lovely by 2019, new research has confirmed.

Angry Cheryl Fans Demand Real Miming

CHERYL Cole has angered fans after it emerged she will perform on the X-Factor using a remote controlled, animatronic mouth to mimic the appearance of live miming.

Children Should Be Educated, Say Experts

BRITISH children should be taught things by trained professionals in some sort of large building, according to a major new report.

Rugby Player Banned For Wrong Kind Of Violence

A RUGBY player has been handed a 12-week ban after injuring an opponent in an insufficiently violent way.

Plinth Art Project To Continue In Swindon Lapdancing Club

THE manager of a Swindon table dancing club last night offered members of the public the chance to express themselves on a plinth, especially if they have big tits.

Do Chris Martin Next, Says Everyone

THE man who punched Leona Lewis in the side of the head was last night urged to have a pop at Chris Martin when he has a minute.

JJB Drops 'Sports' From Title After Admitting It Was Fooling Nobody

JJB Sports, the troubled high street vendor of television watching apparel, has finally dropped the 'Sports' from its name.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm a manager, but my staff don't respect me at all, and are constantly making me the butt of their jokes. At first I just ignored them, but over the last few weeks it has got worse. I constantly find post-it-notes saying things like 'twatmuppet' and 'knob-gobbler' stuck to my back...