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Ecstasy is mental, says government drugs czar

THE government's chief advisor on drugs has described his first Ecstasy experience as 'utterly, utterly mental'.

Ordinary Europeans Denied Chance To Hate Tony Blair

MILLIONS of ordinary Europeans look set to lose their chance of getting steadily sick of Tony Blair until they despise him with every fibre of their being.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Halloween is fast approaching, and as a pensioner living alone, I am rather nervous about what this might hold for me. When I was young, there was no such thing as vandalism or rape, and kindly, silver-haired folk like myself could answer the door without fear...

色情 Is Chinese For Pornography

色情 is the Chinese for pornography, the internet regulator confirmed last night.

Agassi Sold Hair To Buy Drugs

TENNIS star Andre Agassi sold his entire head of hair to buy crystal meth, it emerged last night.

BNP Question Time To Replace Christmas For Guardian Readers

THE British National Party's annual appearance on Question Time is set to become the new festive season for Guardian readers.

Medium-Sized Potato Tops Christmas Toy Charts

A MEDIUM-sized King Edward potato is 2009's most popular Christmas toy among recession-hit parents.

Man Offers Hand Job For Grimsby-Port Vale Ticket

A STOKE man last night defended his offer of vigorous masturbation in exchange for tickets to see Grimsby versus Port Vale.