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Ugliness Becomes Source Of National Pride
GORDON Brown has encouraged Britain to become even more physically revolting after a study showed the UK leads the world in gap-toothed, cock-eyed repugnance.
Three Year-Olds To Sue Each Other Over Juice And Poo-Poos
A FLOOD of juice and poo-based legal cases was predicted last night as Britain's three year-olds attempt to ruin each other in court.
OAPs Decide Not To Give Pensioner-Pc A Chance
PENSIONERS have declared that they don't like a new PC designed for them, despite it not being released yet.
Panic Spreads As Sting Is Right About Something
COMMUNITIES across Britain were gripped by fear last night after Sting was right about something.
Robinho Requests Transfer As Drugs Wear Off
MANCHESTER City striker Robinho has requested a transfer after missing his scheduled dose of psychotropic drugs.
New 'Call Of Duty' To Include Six Months In Helmand
THOUSANDS of computer game fans were last night surprised to learn the new Call Of Duty includes a legally-binding pledge to fight in Afghanistan.
Lethal Injection For Man Who Gave £350k To Jordan
AS the Washington Sniper received his lethal injection last night, campaigners in Britain asked if there was any left for whoever gave Jordan £350,000 to do I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
Perfect Vagina Includes Video Screen And Crisp Dispenser, Say Men
THE perfect vagina would have a built-in video player with a cheese and onion crisp dispenser attached to it, men said last night.