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Coma Guy To Blackmail The Shit Out Of Hospital Staff
THE man who doctors believed was in a coma for 23 years is to start blackmailing the shit out of all the people who thought he couldn't hear them.
Brown To Sell Your Fat To L'Oreal
GORDON Brown is to slash Britain's budget deficit by sucking the fat from your body and selling it to soap companies.
Wigan Chairman Installs Shark Tank
THE chairman of Wigan Athletic is to install a tank full of sharks under the home dressing room in a bid to sharpen his squad's competitive instincts.
ITV To Launch Celebrity Spanish Inquisition
ITV has unveiled plans for a new reality TV show based on the most nauseating atrocities of the Spanish Inquisition.
Drum Machine Goes Solo
FORMER Echo and The Bunnymen drum machine DR670 has announced its plans to release a solo album.
Feminism Causes Global Warming, Say Experts
WOMEN who know their place emit less carbon dioxide than uppity madames with so-called careers, it was confirmed last night.
Herman Van Rompuy Is Anagram Of Roman Vampyre Hun
THE new president of the European Union is a Catholic German vampire who craves the blood of your children, experts warned last night.