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Keys points finger at Sith

RICHARD Keys has blamed disturbances in the Force for his recent inability to cling on to his job.

Celebrities still think they deserve privacy

BRITAIN'S famous people are still insisting they are entitled to any kind of private life, it emerged last night.

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My son has decided to become a homosexual and I was wondering what I need to do to turn him normal again...

Economy like my scrotum, says Osborne

THE economy contracts when cold, like a scrotum, chancellor George Osborne said last night.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Climbing up on Solsbury Hill, I could see the city lights. Wind was blowing, time stood still, eagle flew out of the night. A great evening of dogging lay ahead.

Living standards plummet to early 21st Century levels

BRITAIN'S average standard of living will soon be no better than it was just over five years ago.

Fresh calls for you to be sacked

YOU are facing the sack today because you once said something about someone that some other people have decided to find offensive.

iPhone fired into space to see if it finally gets a signal

SCIENTISTS are to put an iPhone into orbit in an attempt to get a full set of bars for a change.