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Kill The Poor, Says Cameron

THE Conservatives have pledged to bring in a new law guaranteeing the right to kill poor people, foreigners and socialists.

Your Problems Solved With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My daughter is starting to ask the inevitable questions: Where do babies come from? What happens when people die? Why does mummy have so many 'special friends' to stay over? etc.

Rugby Fabulous

AN emotional rugby last night declared itself fabulous.

Cowell To Launch 'Britain's Got Rage'

SIMON Cowell last night unveiled plans for a new television format showcasing the best of Britain's amateur rage.

TV Audiences Now Inversely Proportional To Things Worth Watching

TELEVISION audiences in the UK are increasing as the proportion of programmes that are functionally unwatchable hurtles towards 100%, according to a new study.

Airline Collapse Leaves Travellers Stranded On Dinosaur Island

THE collapse of budget airline Flyglobespan has left hundreds of passengers marooned on a remote island populated by dinosaurs and cannibals.

Davina Mccall Forced To Eat Own Foot

HEAVY snow across the south east of England last night forced Big Brother presenter Davina McCall to eat her own foot.