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Daily Mail Readers Being Fed Through A Tube
A GROWING number of Daily Mail readers are being fed through a tube to save money, doctors claimed last night.
Britain Starting To Freak Out A Bit
WITH heavy snow covering Britain for the 21st day in a row, people across the country were last night showing the first signs of starting to freak out.
Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Psychic Bob
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It's reassuring to see you started the New Year as you mean to go on - drunk, naked and covered in someone else's urine.
My Big Gap Year: And The Wind Cries Mary
Desptaches from Poppy Spalding
Friday: The Balkans
THIS week finds me on a pilgrimage to Medjugorje in Bosnia. I'd intended to spend Christmas in Munich getting gubbed on Glue Wine at their famous German markets, but after meeting some really happy Italians in the train station, I changed my plans. They said that their happiness was all because of Santa Maria (who's not like the Santa who comes down your chimney like I initially thought).
Warren Beatty Has Had Sex With You
HOLLYWOOD superstar Warren Beatty has had sexual intercourse with you, it emerged last night.
Fat People Still Need To Be Told
MOST fat people still have no idea that they are fat despite the overwhelming quantity of visual evidence, according to a new report.
Guardian Readers' Heads Explode In Wootton Bassett Dilemma
A PLAN by radical Islamists to march through Wootton Bassett last night caused a series of Guardian reader head explosions across North London.
Sky Sports Promises Decade Of Relentlessly Overhyped Bullshit
BROADCASTER Sky TV last night outlined its plans to be the number one provider of inexplicable sporting hyperbole well into the next decade.