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Liverpool Squad Down To Four Players
RAFAEL Benitez last night said he had cleared out the dead wood from the Liverpool squad, leaving him with the four players he really needs.
At Least She's Not Gay, Says Robinson
NORTHERN Ireland's first minister last night thanked God that his corrupt, adulterous wife was not a lesbian whore.
Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
Dear Holly,
There's a man at work who has expressed an interest in going out with me, but I am not sure what to do. He wears very thick glasses, has a greasy comb-over and a nervous twitch which involves him licking his lips frequently...
Phone Your Nan Or She'll Go Bonkers, Say Docs
AS studies showed mobile phones can fight Alzheimer's Disease, doctors last night urged people to call their grandparents before they go mental.
Annual Increase In House-Related TV Awfulness
TV property shows rose by 1.8% last year as the easing of the credit crunch helped bring forward a second series of Dreadful Middle Class Bastards.
Ross To Offer Hand Relief To Old Men On Channel Four
CHANNEL Four last night offered Jonathan Ross £15m a year to bring some 80 year-old men to a shuddering orgasm.
Men Forced To Talk About Stuff
THE postponement of football matches across Britain could force men to have conversations about actual things, experts warned last night.