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Gordon Brown's Raging Psychosis: Part 4,680

OH hello there, today's story of schizoid behaviour involves the chancellor, Alistair Darling...

Cheryl Plans Ghastly, Nouveau Riche Divorce

CHERYL Cole last night unveiled plans for a lavish and vulgar divorce involving lots of matching suits and a really big smoked salmon.

One Woman's Week: It Could Be Me

By Karen Fenessey

NO doubt when Britain's latest Euromillionaires have completed their cider-fuelled celebrations they will say a prayer to Jesus, Vishnu or whatever pagan wicker god they worship in Gloucestershire. But little do they know that the force of nature they should be thanking is me.

Royals 'Ready To Return To Home Planet'

THE Royal Family are preparing to return to their home planet near Sirius, according to the Queen's astronomer.

Parliament Emitting Angry Purple Aura, Say Homeopaths

MEMBERS of Parliament who criticised homeopathy have badly knotted chakras and are emitting an unhealthy purple aura, it was claimed last night.

Brown's Insanity 'Distracting Voters From How Bad He Is At His Job'

CONSTANT coverage of Gordon Brown's psychosis is beginning to distract voters from how appalling he is at being prime minister, Labour strategists claimed last night.

Britain Wearily Learns What Olympic Skeleton Is

OCCASIONAL sports fans have begrudgingly fired up Wikipedia in an attempt to understand exactly what Amy Williams won a medal for.

'Grease' disgusting

THE musical Grease is absolutely disgusting, a new generation of parents has suddenly remembered.