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Brown Now Dicking About With Fish And Chips
GORDON Brown last night added the size of chip shop chips to his list of things to dick about with.
Cocaine 'Better Value Than Ever'
AS prices drop to just £2 per line, cocaine has topped a consumer poll as Britain's best-value street drug.
Vicars will back gay marriage 'if they can read out the bit about killing them'
CHURCH of England vicars will bless gay couples as long as they are allowed to quote Bible passages about them being abominations who must be put to death.
Labour Eyes Poll Boost From Ripper Release
GORDON Brown is considering granting parole to the Yorkshire Ripper in the hope of another opinion poll boost.
Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
Dear Holly,
After my boyfriend and I have made love, all he does is grunt and go straight to sleep or slope off and play computer games until 3am. I, on the other hand, wish to punctuate our coitus by way of a lingering, romantic conversation...
Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Psychic Bob
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Peeling wallpaper? Leaking shower? Broken tiles in the kitchen? I wonder if they're in any way connected to the suspiciously stained sofa, the early morning cans of Kestrel Super Lager, and the fact you're watching One Tree Hill in charity shop underpants?
Zuma To Buy Cheryl Cole
SOUTH African president Jacob Zuma arrived in London last night on the first leg of his bid to buy Cheryl Cole.
BBC Angers Fans Of The Idea Of 6 Music
THE closure of the BBC's 6 Music has enraged thousands of people who insist it is the sort of thing they would probably have liked if they had ever got round to listening to it.