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Zola To Go And Live On A Farm, Says West Ham
GIANFRANCO Zola will be sent to live on a farm where he will spend the rest of his days frolicking with other managers, according to the West Ham United board.
Sophie And Nigella Urged To End Rivalry With Lingering, Tongue-Heavy Kiss
RIVAL TV cooks Sophie Dahl and Nigella Lawson should settle their differences by exploring each other's mouths on BBC2, experts have claimed.
Cider Drinkers Too Arseholed To Give A Monkey'S
BRITAIN'S cider drinkers last night greeted the Budget with a glazed expression and a wide, peaceful grin before collapsing into a hedge.
Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Psychic Bob
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Being asked if you want the usual is not a source of pride when it's in the canteen of the local magistrate's court.
O'Leary, Warns Ba Boss
BRITISH Airlines staff have been told that Michael O’Leary will be made their new chief executive unless they call off their strike action.
BBC Denies Dr Who Cuts As New Monsters Include Some Cheese And A Stick
THE producer of Doctor Who has dismissed claims that new aliens, including Cheddron the Cheese, are the result of BBC budget cuts.
Doctors Demand Concentration Camps For The Poor
DOCTORS have proposed a network of concentration camps to contain Britain's ghastly poor people.
Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
Dear Holly,
My friend has a new girlfriend called Svetlana from Latvia, whom he apparently met online on one of those mail-order bride websites; after only a few emails she arrived in the UK to live with him...