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Labour Manifesto Pledges Really Confusing Thing About Schools

LABOUR unveiled its manifesto today with a bold pledge to do something really complicated and confusing with the education system.

Tories Offer NHS Chiefs £50 To Kill Cancer Patients

NHS managers who help the Tories kill cancer patients will get £50 a corpse and a full set of gourmet saucepans.

Apple To Fix Malfunctioning iPad Customers

MALFUNCTIONING iPad customers are to be 'fixed', Apple confirmed last night.

Simon Cowell Still Very Much Alive

POP impresario Simon Cowell was once again still very much alive last night.

Football Fans In Germany-Man Utd Hate Conundrum

FOOTBALL fans across Britain are still trying to pin down exactly who they hated most in last night's Champion's League quarter-final.

Hunt For Swine Flu Vaccine Receipt Intensifies

GOVERNMENT health officials say the receipt for 30 million useless swine flu vaccines is definitely around somewhere.

Brown Deafened By Sound Of Collapsing Argument

GORDON Brown will once again focus Labour's election campaign on national insurance after being deafened by the collapse of his own argument.