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Morecambe And Wise To Make Everything More Expensive

BRITAIN'S favourite entertainers are to make everything you buy much more expensive before deciding whether to let you keep your house.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Should an action be judged on its moral intent or on its benefit to society? And can either method be used to justify you repeatedly having sex with your neighbour's dog?

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I recently joined a government 'Back to Work' programme which was intended to stop me claiming benefits and start actually being a productive member of society, whatever that means...

Men under increasing pressure to look vaguely presentable

IMAGES of male beauty in the media are forcing men to make a grudging effort to look half-decent.

Capello Names Provisional List Of Excuses

ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello has nominated his provisional list of 30 excuses for crashing out of the World Cup in June.

The Torch Has Been Passed To A New Generation Of Public School Nancy Boys

BRITAIN'S long, national nightmare was over last night as the nation was once again placed in the safe, reliable hands of some vaguely effeminate public school boys.

Toddlers Banned From Eating Each Other

NURSERY school children will no longer be allowed to bite chunks out of each under new rules introduced today.

Animals Obstructing Progress

SUPERFLUOUS wildlife is still hampering vital progress in the logging and fast food industries, it was claimed last night.