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Concern Grows Over Ninja School Standards

MANY ninja school-leavers are unfit for even the least dangerous missions, according to leading UK warlords.

Novello Judges Sectioned

A GROUP of music 'experts' were last night being assessed by psychologists after Lily Allen won three awards for song writing.

I'd Play God, Says Everyone

AS scientists created artificial life for the first time, people across Britain said if it was them they would be playing God like it was going out of fashion.

Have You Seen My Tits Yet? Asks Kim Kardashian

KIM Kardashian would like to draw your attention to her breasts, it was confirmed last night.

Skeletor Joins Labour Leadership Race

CARTOON despot Skeletor has launched his bid for the Labour leadership.

The Mascot Nightmares Begin

MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The book you're currently reading is a sensitive and subtle portrayal of a young man's loss of innocence in the pre-industrial Midlands and as such is not a patch on Andy McNab's Towel-head Armageddon.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Having been married for a number of years, my husband and I have got into an unfortunate habit of spending most of the weekend on the sofa eating fast food and watching TV programmes for the feeble-minded. But recently, my husband has taken up a new hobby called 'dogging'...