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Your Astrological Week Ahead With...
Psychic Bob
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your foray into Satanism fails this week after reciting the Lord's
Prayer backwards does not conjure up the devil but does makes you sound
like an Estonian.
Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
Dear Holly,
Having been on the dole since I left school in 1976, I'm suddenly
finding the long lie-ins rather tiresome and feel like a career change...
Britney To Be Frozen Until Pop Standards Collapse
BRITNEY Spears is to be frozen in a tube until pop standards decline sufficiently for her to relaunch her career, it was confirmed last night.
London Now Worse Than Some Place In Australia
LONDON now offers a worse quality of life than some place in Australia for God's sake, it emerged last night.
Glastonbury In Last Minute Search For Replacement Twat
BONO has cancelled his appearance at Glastonbury forcing organisers into a last minute hunt for some other twat.
Nick Griffin To Tour With Aswad
NICK Griffin is to step down as leader of the British National Party and
form a funk/reggae fusion project with
Aswad.
Fake England Shirts 'Not Made In Official Sweatshops'
ENGLAND fans have been warned against buying fake merchandise not made in official World Cup sweatshops.
Four Year-Old Dog Found Guilty Of Rape
A FAMILY dog is beginning a prison sentence today after being convicted of raping a hat, a seat cushion and a 32 year-old knee.