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One Woman's Week: Black To Basics

By Karen Fenessey

WHEN people ask me, 'Karen! Been watching the World Cup?', I always respond, 'World Cup? World Crap more like!'. Normally, Wimbledon is the only sporting date in my summer diary. For me, football has always been something played by faceless alcoholics with clammy thighs and impenetrable regional accents...

Light Sabres Potentially Deadly But Also Incredibly Cool, Say Experts

POWERFUL light sabres sold online could be lethal but are nevertheless amazing, according to experts.

Police Can't Stand Another Minute Of Birmingham

WEST Midlands Police have withdrawn a CCTV scheme after admitting they can no longer just sit there, staring at Birmingham.

You're On Your Own, Say Guide Dogs

BLIND people across Britain were bumping into things today after thousands of guide dogs deserted their posts.

Fischer To Be Exhumed Using The 'Trompowsky Desecration'

THE body of chess genius Bobby Fischer will be exhumed using the classic 'Trompowsky Desecration', it was confirmed last night.

Cameron Praises Britain's Gay Subcultures

THE prime minister has praised Britain's homosexual subcultures as 'the best in the world'.

Karen Matthews Breeding 'Unforeseeable', Say Social Services

NOBODY could have reasonably predicted that somebody would want to have sex with Karen Matthews, according to a new report.

Queen To Put Balls In Her Mouth For First Time Since 1957

THE Queen is to put some balls in her mouth for the first time in more than 50 years, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.