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Katona Sex Tape 'Kills All Who See It'

EVERYONE who has watched the Kerry Katona sex tape has died mysteriously within a week, it was claimed yesterday.

Miss Cornwall Stripped Of His Title

THE winner of the Miss Cornwall beauty contest has been stripped of the title after he turned out to be from Devon.

Unemployed Told To Climb Down Rabbit Hole To Magical Land Of Jobs

THE unemployed are to be relocated to a magical land full of talking animals and cute, furry jobs, the government has confirmed.

Video Technology Confirms England Are Very Bad At Football

ENGLAND are heading home from the World Cup today after state-of-the-art video technology showed the ball crossing their goal line many, many times.

Apple Forgot To Hold iPhone Before Putting It In The Shops

APPLE has admitted it forgot to check its new mobile phone worked before shipping millions of them to stores around the globe.

Diana In Heaven

Went round to Brian Clough's to watch the England v Slovenia match the other day. Was planning to go to Don Revie's but when we got there he was charging people twenty quid to get in and had put a ban on everyone bringing in their own drinks.

Retirement Age Raised To Five Years After You Die

PEOPLE will be expected to work for a minimum of five years as a zombie under new government plans to raise the retirement age.