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Starving Africans Looking Forward To Live Aid Drama

MALNOURISHED people across Africa have vowed to crawl to their nearest television to watch the BBC's dramatisation of Live Aid.

Cameron Beginning To Realise Exactly Who He's In Charge Of

PRIME minister David Cameron was on the brink of resignation last night after finally realising what British people are actually like.

Diana In Heaven

'Sir Arthur used it to catch the dead ones out of The Golden Girls and gently lick their faces before letting them go again. Cheeky bastard...'

Your Astrological Week Ahead...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you love somebody, set them free. Stockholm Syndrome is a wonderful thing.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I don't seem to be able to hang on to a man, no matter what I do. It's not that I have any difficulties getting them in the first place: I just show a bit of nipple down the chippie...

You Owe Us A Total Ride, Men Tell Home Office

IF the Home Office has even a shred of decency left it will immediately replace Anna Chapman with something of comparable humpability, Britain's men said last night.

Jolie Continuing To Promote Peace Through Ultra-Violent Action Films

ANGELINA Jolie last night urged movie-goers to be inspired by the pacifist message of her new film Unrelenting Gun Death II: So Much Blood.

Gibson And Cruise To Form United Psychopaths

MEL Gibson and Tom Cruise are to form a new studio dedicated to making films that are completely insane from start to finish.