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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
There are two men at work who appear to want to sex me, but I can't decide between them. One of them has a great body, sexy hair, and a chiselled jaw, but he works in the canteen and drives a Nissan Micra...

24-Hour Drinking Would Have Worked If Britain Wasn't Dreadful, Say Experts

BRITAIN'S experiment with 24-hour drinking would have succeeded if the country was not filled to the brim with the worst people in the world, it was claimed last night.

Face Transplant Man Warned Against Over-Confidence

FRIENDS of face transplant man Tom Logan last night warned that his plans for a massive sex binge may be a tad optimistic.

 

British Gas Calls For Increase In State Pension

THOUSANDS of old people are still dying from hypothermia because the price of gas is too high, British Gas has claimed.

Danny Dyer, Says Culture Secretary

THE closure of the UK Film Council is a largely Danny Dyer-based decision, the culture secretary confirmed last night

Women should be hot, slutty secretaries with massive boobs, says equalities minister

FIFTIES-STYLE sexpots with dirty laughs and enormous bangers are ideal role models for young women, according to the government's equalities minister.

Ferrari Employ Regency Gentlemen

CAR-pointing experts Ferrari have caused uproar by replacing their driving team with two excessively polite gentlemen from the 1820s.

Hayward To Get About 12 Lives Back

BP chief Tony Hayward will finally get his life back today, as well as the average earnings of at least 12 other lives.