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We Execute Thieves, China Warns Liverpool

THE Chinese government has warned the people of Liverpool that it will not tolerate the theft of its property once it buys the local football club.

Andre 3000 To Run For President Of Funkadonia

OUTKAST sex hurricane Andre '3000' Benjamin has launched a bid to become President of the People's Funkpublic of Funkadonia.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My boyfriend keeps going on and on about inviting another woman into our relationship. While in principle I don't object, the woman he has singled out for this role is my mother...

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair. 'Pearl necklace' my giddy arse.

You First, Men Tell Bundchen

GISELE Bundchen has been urged to boost her breastfeeding campaign by coming to people's houses and showing them how it's done.

Abortion Ad Upsets Exactly The Right People

THE first television advert for abortion advice has done exactly what it was supposed to do, the Advertising Standards Authority has confirmed.

Bristol Palin Is Daughter Of Ex-Fiancee

BRISTOL Palin is the daughter of her ex-fianceé Levi Johnston, it has emerged.

'Expendables' Sparks Fresh Controversy Over Child Screenwriters

THE producers of The Expendables were last night facing a legal challenge from the parents of the film's screenwriters.