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O'Neill Quits Villa As Chairman Signs Subbuteo Figures
MARTIN O'Neill has quit as manager of Aston Villa after being asked to mould a trophy winning team out of tiny plastic figures who have to be flicked around the pitch.
Petrol Still Most Reasonably-Priced Thing At Service Stations
ROCKETING petrol prices mean it is still the only thing at a service station that you can reasonably afford, according to new research.
Naomi Campbell 'Slaughtered Thousands'
SUPERMODEL Naomi Campbell was at the head of a brutal war machine that slaughtered thousands, it was claimed last night.
My Big Gap Year: Chelsea's Bristols
Dispatches from Poppy Spalding
American politicians love England because of all the help we've provided during the war in Iraq so they're never far away from naming their children after random areas of the country. But the Democrats are faring better in this competition because, as far as I know, my great uncle Rod never refers to his carer's breasts as 'Chelseas'...
Football Teams Renew Made-Up Hostilities
MANCHESTER United and Chelsea have successfully relaunched their totally fictitious rivalry.
Artistic Kelly Brook Playboy shoot inspires tasteful masturbation
MEN are responding to Kelly's Brook's artistic Playboy spread with equally creative acts of self-pollution, it emerged last night.
Government To Fill Your Town With More Ghastly Little Boxes And The 'People' Who Live In Them
COUNCILS will be paid for every newly-built box they cram into your town and then fill with thousands of 'people' who are all exactly the same as each other.
