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Outrage Over Plans To Build Library Next To Sarah Palin

PLANS to build a state-of-the-art library next to Republican catastrophe Sarah Palin are causing outrage across mainstream America.

Dirty Harry's Neighborhood Watch

I NEVER asked for this assignment, but I guess some dumb sonofabitch has got to do it. You see what those assholes in suits downtown don't understand is that when someone lets their dog crap on the pavement it's guys like me who have to put it in a plastic bag and dispose of it.

Schafernaker 'Lucky He Didn't Put His Eye Out' Say Opticians

EXPERTS have issued new guidelines for live TV gaffe recovery after Tomasz Schafernaker almost took his eye out with an emergency middle finger retraction.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Or put some clamps on it and had it pierced. Slamming it in a kitchen drawer would have been interesting too.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I'm really into tattoos, but I'm finding some people are prejudiced against me as a result. I've also found that no-one wants to employ me, simply because I express myself through body art...

Welsh Team Signs Truculent Midget

CRAIG Bellamy has completed his loan move from Man City to Cardiff after tests confirmed him to be the Welshest man on the planet.

Jabba The Hutt Joins X Factor Judging Panel

SIX HUNDRED year-old Tatooine crime lord Jabba The Hutt is to replace Dannii Minogue on the X Factor judging panel, it has been confirmed.

Middle Class Could Be Forced To Pay For Things They Can Afford

MIDDLE class families face no longer being able to use child benefit to buy wine, it emerged last night.

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