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Junkies To Be Renamed 'Heroin Buffs'

DRUG abusers are to be renamed 'heroin buffs' in recognition of their in-depth knowledge and appreciation of the world's finest narcotics.

One Woman's Week

"Yes, it's the day everyone's been waiting for with a sense of grotesque inevitability: Lourdes has finally set to work on those eyebrows..."

Cheryl Soldiers On Despite Being Dead

BRAVE X Factor judge Cheryl Cole has overcome her recent death with the aid of hooks and pulleys.

Newcastle Delusions Invade Reality

THE lunatic fantasy world of Newcastle United supporters has started to manifest itself in this dimension after the club's 6-0 win over Aston Villa.

Is Britain Using Auto-Moron?

BRITAIN is using state-of-the-art audio visual technology to make itself even more moronic, it was claimed last night.

Which England Footballer Likes To Have Sex With Two Giraffes At The Same Time?

AN ENGLAND footballer has taken out a High Court injunction in a bid to prevent a newspaper revealing their obsession with underage giraffe orgies.

Two-thirds believe their windows are giant screens

MOST people are convinced that the view from their living room is a 2D image made of pixels.