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Thousands Of Doctors Prescribing Jesus

CHRISTIAN doctors are regularly sending patients home with a course of Testament, according to new research.

Memorial Sex Woman Pushing Britain Toward Littlejohn State Of Mind

THE war memorial sex woman and her verminous consort are in danger of making sane people think like Daily Mail columnists, it emerged last night.

Last Night's TV, With Parker From Thunderbirds

Hi don't mind tellin' you hit hain't heasy gettin' the night awf, but Lady Penelope bein' the gracious woman what she is says to me: "If you really must slob around in your ghastly track suit bottoms watching the television then be my guest, Parker. But I insist you switch it awf by 11.30, and don't forget to leave the back door open so Raul the gardener can get in."

Aquilani Loaned To Italian Jigsaw Enthusiast

ALBERTO Aquilani has been loaned to Juventus after manager Luigi Delneri revealed himself to be a keen jigsaw collector.

Celebrities To Enter Big Brother Winner

VICTORIOUS housemate Josie Gibson is to become 'home' for a tiny submarine carrying Celebrity Big Brother contestants, it has emerged.

Chilean Mine Starting To Sound Not Bad

BEING trapped down a mine shaft in Chile for four months is starting to sound not too bad, men across Britain said last night.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I'm afraid you're decision to swap your office chair for a bottle of White Lighting means you can no longer describe yourself as a 'functioning' alcoholic.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
The other day, I was driving to Dixons to pick up a new Super Woofer for my Nissan Almeira and I happened to stop at a traffic lights next to a rather attractive lady in a red mini. I immediately deduced she was probably a slut because she was listening to The Saturdays at full volume...