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Creation Did Not Involve Chocolate, Claims Hawking
THE creation of the universe did not involve even the tiniest bit of chocolate, according to Professor Stephen Hawking.
Energy Firms May Be Run By Shits, Warns Ofgem
SOME of Britain's biggest energy companies may be run by greedy shits, according to the industry watchdog.
I Like To Watch Ladies Undressing On The Beach, Says Hague
FOREIGN secretary William Hague has revealed how he likes to stare at women as they strip down to their bikinis.
Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As Jupiter moves into a position between Mercury and Venus, make
sure everyone has given their written permission before you switch on
the camcorder.
Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper
Dear Holly,
I am a unmarried lady in the twilight of my life, and haven't had the
urge to become biblically acquainted with a person of the opposite sex
for nigh on years...
Chop-Chop, Scientists Tell Women
BEATING cancer involves less chatty and more cooky, according to new research.
Wetherspoons to open in A&E
PUB chain Wetherspoons is to open outlets in accident and emergency departments for injured brawlers who want another drink.
Man Who Thinks He's Spiderman Attacked By Man Who Thinks He's Jesus
BRITAIN'S most lovable feud was relaunched today as the one who thinks he is Jesus launched a scathing attack on the one who thinks he is Spiderman.
- Four Years Until You Can Return To Being A Free-Spending Moron, Say Experts
- We'd Have Done It For A Tenner, Say Thousands Of Awful Cricketers
- Public Execution Of Charity Muggers To Raise All The Money That Will Ever Be Needed
- Reader Offer: Mosque Removal Just Got Easy
- 80% Of NHS Time Spent Cleaving Lard From Fat Ladies