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Pope Promises Live Witch-Burning
POPE Benedict XVI has promised his UK tour will feature the live on-stage incineration of those who consort with demons.
Cuts Will Cause Lesbian Riots, Say Outreach Workers
OUTREACH workers say they should be protected from cutbacks to stop Britain being torn apart by angry, unsupported lesbians.
Secret Miliband Brother Blows Contest Wide Open
THE Labour leadership contest has been blown wide open after the shock return of Stryker, the secret Miliband brother.
Rooney Sex Tape In Hands Of Insect-Stroking Ultra-Villain
A DEMENTED albino billionaire is threatening to beam images of a rutting Wayne Rooney into every home on Earth unless he is handed control of the world's nuclear arsenal.
Boxing A Metaphor For Cocaine, Says Hatton Loudly
RICKY Hatton has insisted that the whole sport of boxing is geared toward cocaine use, right down to its ruinous affects on nasal septums.
Drunk Children To Be To Taught How To Look After Drunk Children
THOUSANDS of drunk British children could be spared serious illness and injury if their drunk friends were trained to look after them, experts have claimed.
Britain To Become Nation Of Sponge Eaters
BRITAIN is set to become a nation of sponge eaters after reading the first two paragraphs of a story about cancer.
Guardian 'Hacking Phones To Get Incredibly Boring Stories'
THE Guardian has been accused of hacking into mobile phones to acquire its seemingly never-ending series of incredibly tedious articles.