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BBC To Replace Moyles With Six Month-Old Baby

THE Radio One breakfast show is to be hosted by a six month old baby, the BBC has confirmed.

Liverpool Court Drama To Replace Home Matches

FANS have asked for the ownership battle over Liverpool FC to be staged at Anfield in place of the actual football.

Teenage Girl Temperamental

BRITAIN faced a fresh pop crisis last night after it emerged that X Factor favourite Cher Lloyd has been behaving like a teenage girl.

Pope Congratulates Infected Porn Stars

POPE Benedict XVI has congratulated porn stars infected with HIV for their principled refusal to wear condoms.

Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
In eight years, Hitler managed to gain and lose an empire that stretched the breadth of Europe, while in the same amount of time you've just about managed to paint your bathroom. Even taking into account all the bad Nazi stuff he's still better than you.

Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Until recently, my husband and I had a peaceful and happy existence in a quiet corner of upmarket suburbia, but ever since our new neighbours moved in we've had nothing but bother. We merely raised our eyebrows when we discovered they were cohabiting out of wedlock and that she was 'with child'...

We Did Actually Eat Four Guys, Admit Chilean Miners

THE first of the trapped Chilean miners brought to the surface have admitted that four of their colleagues were delicious.

Gap Abandons Plan To Use Swastika

CLOTHING giant Gap was last night forced to abandon its plan to replace its classic blue square logo with the swastika.